so much so that i might actually go to bed right now. at 7pm.
i don't want to be fucked with anymore. i don't want to be put on a string and tugged around. i just want someone to care about me the way i care about them.
so fucking lame.
so disappointing.
my heart is fully invested and maybe i'm an idiot for letting that happen, but it's too late. so that sucks a lot.
here's to hoping it gets better...
- Mood:
sad
so things haven't improved much in the guy department, i can't say i'm super surprised, but what i do know is that i have a slightly better attitude towards it all, i try to at least. So let me take you back and just recap 2009 so far. January i got rid of Doug who turned out to be kind of a scummer and all around annoying human being, so obviously that didn't work out in my favor and up until i met Doug i had really no luck in the guy department. Yeah i hooked up with a couple people but nothing i could write home about. Fine, whatever, I get it, i'm a little out there, wacky, hard to handle at times, but i feel like i'm fun to be around i'm very caring and i put my whole heart into things and i'm also not terrible on the eyes which i find are all good qualities and things people should be interested in. So, as you probably already know, this kid at work, Declan, has been a huge crush of mine for ages now and we've been friends and i had pretty much lost all hope that he liked me in that way until February when he was like we need to hang out and he was real persistent about it. oh awesome, this is pretty exciting. We hang out and i may have already discussed this in an earlier post, but whatever. We talked about everything in the world got to know each other a ton better we go to this real quiet bar and talk, he tells me he really likes me so i take that as my cue to tell him that i like him as well, we end up kissing, had a pretty stellar night and the next morning it's not weird he's being really cute and what not so right there i'm like sweet this is going to be awesome. Cut to Monday at work (now we would need to keep things hush hush, i get that) he doesn't say anything to me even in the privacy of his office. Nothing. The entire evening is never mentioned again and we haven't hung out since. Ok, what the fuck was that all about?? Now, i realize at this stage i should have said something, just to ask him what the deal was and i didn't. but here's why. Just when i'm getting fed up with it, he'll text me saying he wants to hang out again...so i'll fall back into the "oh he must like me then, nevermind" stage. Well the weekend comes, the weekend goes, and we don't end up hanging out. what the fuck!!! i feel like i'm on a string with this kid and just when i'm about to untie the knot, he'll text me and want to hang out, or he'll say something adorable and i'll be like hmm maybe i'll leave this on just a little longer. The most recent of this activity took place this past week. I had been sick so i went to the doctors Wednesday. "hey how did you do at the docs" good i don't have strep, yay "cool. we can hang out this weekend and drink then" and just like each time before, i didn't get a text all weekend about hanging out. That right there however, was the last straw. If he texts me about it again i'm going to straight up be like, that's all well and good that you are asking me to hang out, but let's fuckin see you text me when the day gets here because you are real good at blowing me off...
like, what the fuck is that all about. Either you like me or you don't, i'm almost 25, i don't need to be playing fucking games here. If you just want to hook up, that's fucking fine too!! i'm ok with either choice, but you need to fucking tell me what's up. whatever. i had moved on from that a while ago, basically not taking him too seriously to the point where i was going to get hurt...totally retarded and shit i don't have time for..and then there's Joey....
Oh Joey. we met over the summer, talked occasionally, hooked up at my birthday party and then that was pretty much it. I didn't hear from this kid again until i saw him on Halloween and it was basically like hey what's up and nothing else. he was completely off my radar since the summer and i was totally ok with that. whatever, do what you want. So all of a sudden he starts talking to me more and texting me and he even met me at Denny's one night at like 2am where we hung out and talked for a little while (first time we had ever hung out just the two of us btw) and we had fun. Gives me a giant hug and we decide to hang out again sometime. We make plans to hang out one Friday night so i'm pretty oblivious about things unless you spell them out for me and i think oh Jolene should come down it'll be fun (also thinking there would be other people on his end) well he realizes i mean both jolene and myself are coming and he was like oh i thought i'd have you to myself...ok whoa, 1. what a slick thing to say and 2. how was i supposed to know that? whatever, we go down and have a really good time, i go see him during the week a couple weeks ago, again, so awesome, he's an amazing guy who is funny a little weird, but who am i to judge? and then last Sunday i spend like, the whole day with him and it's fucking sweet. He's being really cute and doing affectionate things in front of his friends the whole nine. So i ask him about hanging out this weekend and he said sure so i told him, let me know when you are free. That was about it Never heard from him, didn't see him at all...i don't know what the fuck that's all about. I don't even know what i should do here either. So needless to say i'm having a bit of a meltdown and i know i should just cool out until i hear from hm, but what if i don't?? should i text him tomorrow and act like nothing happened?? i really don't know. and that brings me to my next gripe....
why the fuck does everyone here think that liking people and calling/texting people and everything in between have to come with so many rules and regulations for how we act?? Whatever happened to living in the moment or just going with your feelings. If you like someone, why not just fucking tell them instead of wondering if it's ok to do so, and if yes, how long should one wait before doing so. no, fuck that. Are we all so fucking afraid of being hurt or rejected that we've lost the true meaning of falling for someone?? how much baggage can you carry around that makes you think you have to follow rules when it comes to this stuff?? get over it. getting hurt is part of life, it's how we grow as individuals, it's how we learn and how we shape who we are. we need rejection and heart break just as much as we need the positive things in life. I'm sick of these guys walking around scared to let themselves go and let their hearts do what they are supposed to do.It's like as soon as they realize wow i really like this person, they freeze and automatically go into the mode of thinking about what is appropriate to do next. when you think too much, things get fucked up. And because i don't operate by these rules, i'm looked at as crazy. because i feel it's 100% ok to text someone the day after you get their # to say hi how are you, had a great time last night blah blah blah. because i'm willing to leave my baggage at the door in order to not have a guard up when getting to know someone...I'M the one with the issues...it's absolutely maddening.
i hope that made sense, it's hard to write how i feel when it comes to this subject. I just truly feel we've become too programmed in the art of attraction and "crushes" and falling in love. These things are natural, they should come naturally and you shouldn't have to think so much about every little last fucking detail. just go with it. now it's just a matter of finding a guy who is willing to do that. good luck on that endevour jenn. seriously...
so a little story about my Saturday evening. Its sort of funny now, but last night i almost slit my throat hahaha. So, i'm thinking that would be the night Joey wants to hang out so i wait all day to see, no texts, nothing...and no texts from ANYONE for that matter. I'm feeling pretty down, the whole of my situations has gotten the better of me and i'm having a depressed evening. fine. i realize i should give it up for the night and i'm in bed watching a movie...it's like, 8:30 and my phone goes off because i got a text. Of course i'm like holy shit yes! i pick it up and scroll up to see who it was....it's fucking Jared. WHAT THE FUCK!!! talk about pouring salt into my already throbbing wound. Honest to god i almost started bawling my eyes out right there. I turned my phone off, got into my PJs and sulked for the rest of my movie before going to bed at an ungodly early hour for a Saturday. like, really?! fuck my life...i swear to god...
before all this stuff with Joey started, i really took on a better outlook to these types of situations and i was really proud of myself for that. It's going to be super hard though if shit with Joey goes south for sure, because i'll really never be able to tell when a guy actually likes me or if things are going well or even believe anything they say for that matter. I was doing really well with pushing things away and staying positive about it, i really don't mind being single that isn't the issue here and that was a huge step, just knowing that i'm capable of being truly happy without a boyfriend. It's the shit that happens to me when i do meet someone that's going to test my ability to let it roll off my back. It starts to wear on you a lot when you aren't doing anything wrong, you aren't being a totally crazy bitch girl, you seem to be playing your cards right and making a great connection with that person and then BAM they totally lose interest and stop talking to you or start talking to you as a friend...how do you fix something when it doesn't seem to be something you are doing that ruins things??
i don't know. with the passing of some time i'll be sure to get over everything, but it's going to be really hard for me to believe anything good can come out of anything with a guy i like...i guess we'll see what happens...
- Mood: melancholy
that looks like enough...for now...
- Mood:
restless
fuck. you. dick.
- Mood:
enraged
And it was all that I wanted to be
And so much more 'cause we could soar
No gravity keeping me on the floor
Please don't let me float too high
Fly away with me
You've got just what I need
Will you be my rocket?
Now, now that we're here it is so clear
This is just how that I dreamed it to be
Stars are falling it's just you and me
The beginning
Please don't let me float too high
Fly away with me
You've got just what I need
Will you be my rocket?
It's strange when I feel the change
I remember that anything is possible
You're the same you take me away
I won't hesitate or I'll crash and burn and fade
Fly away with me
You've got just what I need
Will you be my rocket?
Fly away with me
Rocket take me to the sky
You've got just what I need
Will you be my rocket tonight?
- Mood:
blah
ok...where to start with this one...
Last weekend was of course the dreaded Valentine's Day. The Thursday before i get a text from Declan (whom i've had a thing for for like 100 years) asking me what i was doing. I went to Lowell to hang out with him aaaand we ended up hooking up blah blah blah. The thing of it is he was all oh man Jenn i really like you, let's talk about everything under the sun and get to know each other a ton better and then make out a lot and bone a little, but hey, i'm not going to ever going to bring it up again or tell you what the deal is, sound ok? um, NO it doesn't sound ok and i'm fucking pissed about it. Like, i don't care if you don't want to date me, but at least have enough respect for me to say something. such a douche. but the bright spot in this shit sandwich is that i got to make out and bone someone that i've been like drooling over for years hahahaha that's pretty fucking sweet.
Cut to last night. Jolene and I had some big plans that included 40s and getting wasted, but Dave texted us and was like hey come to Bridgewater State and hang out!! sooo we packed up the 40's for the road and headed over an hour away to hang out with him and his friend Eric. Now Eric is fucking adorable, like so hot and so funny...we chatted it up all night, got all drunk and had an awesome time. then he decides to make out with me, and i'm like yeah of course, soooo from there, we had sex. And it was really good. Well on the way home i'm lurking his Facebook page from my phone and come to find out that he's....well....20 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahaha YES!!! so not only did i party in a college dorm, slept over in a lofted bed in a tiny ass dorm room, i screwed a 20 year old while i was there. "above the mini fridge" BAHAHAHA SO AMAZING i mean seriously?? like words can't describe how hard i laughed...at least it was good...hahahaha
so this makes two weekends in a row that I, Jenn Pipkin, have gotten laid...it's like, how the fuck did that happen?? hahahaha i mean, I'm still real single, but i honestly don't even care anymore...this might be a way better alternative hahaha
In other related news, Jolene and I have taken quite a liking to King Cobra 40s and i think it's our new drink of choice across the board although last night while purchasing 2 for the ride down to Bridgewater, THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE KING!!! so i had to choose between Bud Heavy 40s, Smirnoff Ice 40s (ew, fuck no) or Olde English 40s...i went with the Olde English which were ok, but nothing in comparison to the King. i was a little sad.
we've also taken a liking to making stupid videos on my camera and i've uploaded a litle gem from the ride home today onto Facebook. We are going to seriously write a book and also make music under the band name you see in my subject line. we are pretty much the fucking coolest and one day some dudes will figure that out. hahahaha until then i'll continue randomly hooking up with people, drinking shit tons of beer on the weekends, and laughing until my guts fall out of my face...i'm content with that.
- Mood:
enthralled
Give me more loving than I’ve ever had
Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad
Tell me I’m special even though I know I’m not
Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Barely getting mad
I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
Its as easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
Give me more loving from the very start
Piece me back together when I fall apart
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends
Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
You’re the best that I’ve had
And I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
It’s easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you
You make it easy
It’s easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you
1-2-3-4
I love you
(I love you) I love you
k get on it....thanks.
- Mood:
weird
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't even know...it just makes absolutely no sense at all NONE ZERO ZILCH. i just feel very, confused..and...hmm i can't even make words hahahahaha
all that matters is me and jolene are fucking hilarious and if that means we are forever going to be just friends, then fine, fuck it hahaha we'll just grow old and bitter together and possibly commit a duel suicide? HAHAHA
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh life...you do keep things interesting i suppose
- Mood: aggravated
The story of a car chase
And I’ve become the criminal
And fleeing from this scene
And being caught in a bad dream
The truth becomes the unthinkable (yeah)
I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
So brake hard we’ll be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to fail
Goin’ there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
We’re out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
We’re out of control asleep at the wheel
Night falls with no grace
I said I can do anything
But I can do anything wrong
And with burning speed
The rearview says he's catching up to me
But I’m already gone
I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
So brake hard we’ll be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to fail
Goin’ there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
We’re out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Tearin’ it down to open up the highway
We’re looking for exits
No pretending
Speeding out and around with a silvering smash
Starin’ at a car crash
Oh, the chase is ending
I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
So brake hard we’ll be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to fail
I’m goin’ there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
The end is coming
I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
So break hard we’ll be better
We’re out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
We’re out of control asleep at the wheel
- Mood:
curious
Feeling your head pop
Out in the night
In the kind of night
Where you want to be out
On the street, on the street
Crawling up the walls
Like a cat in heat
And the air is thin
And it blows through your skin
And you feel like something
Is about to begin
But you don't know what
And you don't know when
So you tear at your hair
And you scratch at your skin
You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn't matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or calling your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well you're tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well
So you stand on the corner
Where the angels sit
And you think to yourself,
"This is it, this is it
This is all that I have
All I can stand
Is this air in my lungs
And this coin in my hand"
That you tossed in the air
And I fell, and I fell
All the way to the bottom
Of the well, of the well
Like those soft little secrets
That you tell, that you tell
To yourself, when you think
No one's listening to, well
And the walls spin
And you're paper-thin
From the haze of the smoke
And the mess calling
The threat of your brow
Under unmade sheets
In your ear with the noise
From the darkest streets
We ran far and wide
You screamed, you cried
You thought suicide was an alibi
But you were always a mess
You were always aloof
Yeah, it's awful, I guess
But it's the awful truth
It was truth from the first
To the last words that she read
And she emerged from the dark
Like a ghost in my head
She said, "I haven't forgot
Any words that you said
I just stare at the clocks
And I cry in my sleep
And I tear up your letters
And I burn them in heaps
And I gather the ashes
In that hole in the ground
Where we fell
- Mood: indifferent
I can't
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Give me give me give me what you got got
Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time for ever, never wanna hear you say goodbye
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched
And I need you so much
See you, breathe you, I want to be you
You can take take take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Give me give me give me all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you
- Mood:
mellow
things have been going ok. minus the events of January 20, 2009 which will not be written about for fear i may relapse and slip into some sort of violent coma...or something. but eventually it'll all be a distant memory and we'll laugh about it later, right? Right. ok moving on.
i'm super frustrated about a lot of...ok one specific area of life hahaha..but for fear of sounding emo, all i'm going to say is that i just wish there were more available hot guys to make out with. all of the ones have hang ups and are taken or something. But Jolene and I have a new action plan so i'm hoping it can be implemented this coming weekend hahaha Yes we are becoming cougars and no we don't care how sketchy it might end up being. so stop judging us. now. thanks.
i'll keep this updated on our progress because i'm sure everyone will be dying to know.
anyway maybe if i feel like elaborating i'll hop back on later tonight...
- Mood: blah
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok. that's all for now. thanks for tuning in.
- Mood: infuriated
hahaha so i'm up for a cell phone upgrade tomorrow and instead of looking at prices, i'm looking at what i want which is obviously going to be slightly out of my price range, but i don't give a shit. i've decided that i just don't care and i'm going to obsess over getting a new phone until i just fuckin do it...so that's my plan, get a new phone during my lunch break tomorrow...
i can't decide between the LG Dare and the Blackberry Storm. i really like both of them so i guess it'll really come down to price and what not and i'm thinking the LG is going to be the less expensive of the two so i'll probably go that route. i have to get a new plan to go with it so i can actually use the internet feature and what not which is fine, the one i'm looking at is most likely going to be cheaper or exactly the same as i pay now but i get way better features. i will check back in tomorrow with what i decided, i know you'll all be chomping at the bit to find out!! hahaha
tonight i went out to eat with Derek and his GF Alesia, who by the way i love. It was a really good time and not awkward at all which was really cool...we're going to Chris' birthday gathering in Portsmouth on Saturday so it was nice to get to know her better before that, i'm looking forward to it now which is good. Plus it's at the coat of arms and i love that place...i'm a little hesitant of Chris' friends because i feel that i won't have much to talk to them about since i don't play DND and i'm not into LARPing and such but i gots to represent for my buddy Chris hahaha
i believe Friday i will be going out somewhere with Jolene and i'm pretty excited, it's been a while since we made bad decisions together so that should be awesome...i'm thinking i want to stop in Lowell and grab some drinks with Declan...hopefully i can make that happen, either way Jolene and I will probably take retarded pictures and drive around drunk like we always do...maybe we can get Dave to come with us, that would be fun. he might be horrifed though and never talk to us again...time will tell i suppose hahahaha
yikes...it's late for me....hahaha i'm so fucking lame....time for bed!!!
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:The Killers-Spaceman
speaking of vodka. i had one too many vodka red bulls on Friday because i ended up puking at the bar (in the toilet, i was at least classy about that hahaha) and then again in Doug's parking lot. i was more drunk than i have been in a really long time and i think it's because i didn't eat a whole lot and i drank really really fast. oh well, it was a pretty good night regardless.
Tuesday i hung out with Jolene which hasn't happened in a while and i was starting to get angry about it hahaha but we hit up the mall and then went to T-Bones with Kayla and this kid Dave who is absolutely adorable and probably the nicest person i've ever met in my life. i hope Jolene dates him, at least for a little bit, because he's too cute and she deserves to have someone like that.
Pete still hates me as well as his GF apparently. yet he invited me to his birthday thing on Thursday so i am going just to go and also see what happens with all that BS. i'm thinking after i might write him a facebook message and just ask him what the hell his deal is because it's fucking annoying...oh well...i shouldn't care at all, but i do. such is life!!
i'm getting a new phone this week...i think i get too excited about things like that, but i want to get the LG Dare and it's fucking awesome so i'll be stoked to play around with that. good times....i wanted to get the blackberry storm but i don't know if i'd actually use it to it's potential and i can't justify paying more money...
my mom needs to get home stat because i'm fucking hungry...cook me dinner bitch!!
hahahaha wtf...i'm not sure what that was...anyway...nothing else really exciting is going on, but i'll probably update sooner than later...i'm going to try and get into some shenangins in the near future so i'll write about that shit...
oh i bought Stepbrothers on iTunes...i can't wait to watch it.
- Mood: restless
anyway
this is going to be sort of short since i'm not feeling very creative, but i wanted to stop in, give a little updateage. updateage? really Jenn? gay...ok well...life has been pretty sweet, things with Doug are going great which is nice...work is going ok its been brutally slow for the past couple weeks but today was my last day before my two week vacation which i'm much looking forward to. i will be heading to CA monday night and staying out there for a week then when i get back i want to do a lot of things, most importantly hang out with Jolene since that shit hasn't happened in much too long...i'm thinking 60 beer challenge? FUCK YES we need one more participant though...any takers?? you have to enjoy PBR though because that's what we are drinking and if you don't like it then you won't be able to finish the challenge which would be gay an we'd have to kill you
anyway. my company holiday party was last weekend as usual i got smashed, it was lame and the food sucked, but i did have a good time hanging out with my boss and her husband, both of whom were smashed as well so it made for a glorious time.
so i got control of my bank account back which i'm hoping i can handle hahaha i've already spent like $60 that i shouldn't have hahaha OOPS oh well i love clothes, so sue me! no, don't do that i don't have any money hahaha
speaking of which Jolene and i decided we're opening an accounting business to manage other peoples finances since we are so good at doing that with our own money hahaha it'll be a success for sure
ok...i'm hungry and i kind of want to start drinking beers....now....at 4:45....sounds like a solid plan
- Mood: hyper
that is all
- Mood: peaceful
Pumpkin Fest was a good time aside from the rain and the pumpkin count being sub par (come on people..that was pathetic). I drank so much beer and Vodka I'm surprised I'm not dead right now haha, but it was totally worth it. This coming weekend should be a ton of fun as well...i'm hoping i can pull off my Kimmy GIbbler costume without a hitch, not that i think that'll be a problem hahaha
like i said, small recap..i can't think of much else to really talk about
- Mood: hopeful
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
if only, if only for one second.
This table has taken a turn for the worst.
Rock bottom and over the edge
well it's not like it hurts that much anyway.
Upside down and inside out.
When I leave here I'm going alone.
Well it's not like, it not like it hurts much anyway.
Attention! Attention!
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
if only, if only for one second.
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something that'll never happen.
Will you hear what I have to?
This balance has weighed out our heart's desire.
I'm trying to make it alone.
Well it's not like it hurts that much anyway.
Upside down and inside out.
When I leave here I'm going alone.
But I'm dying, I'm dying to touch.
And it's not like, it not like it hurts much anyway.
Attention! Attention!
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
if only, if only for one second.
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something, something.
Attention! Attention!
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
if only, if only for one second.
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something that'll never happen.
Will you hear what I have to (say)?
Attention! Attention!
Upside down and inside out.
Attention! Attention!
Upside down and inside out.
- Mood:
exanimate
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go
- Mood: blah
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